The Joke of the Month
"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."
"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."
"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."
As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"
"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.
She said, "Ours is cuter."
There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
The Old Man
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx.
This one is from Charlie Hall.
A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"Firstly, there's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."
When Charlie, who had been an elevator repairman in life arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter looked on the master list and when he failed to find Charlie listed said he must go to the place below.
Upon arriving in Hell, Charlie felt immediately that something was wrong. He protested to the Devil that it was too hot and didn't smell that good besides. The Devil laughed, "It's Hell."
Charlie told the Devil that he had been a pretty good engineer in life and that he would see what he could do about the situation. Before long he had the air conditioning working and it was a comfortable 73 degrees. He also got the plumbing in good working order and things were quite a bit nicer all around.
Saint Peter called the Devil and said, "Hey, that Charlie belongs up here. He's a saint, and we need him." "No way, said the Devil, he's too useful down here." Saint Peter replied, "If you don't send him up here, we'll sue." "Ha," Said the Devil, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
The elderly Scottish Laird lay near death and called his faithful manservant to his bedside to hear his final request.
"Hamish," he said, "When I'm gone I want you to take that bottle of single malt Scottish whiskey that's been in the family for thirty years and pour it over my grave."
"Certainly Sir," replied the servant in his thick brogue, "But do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys furst?"
"Fireman, Fireman, my house is burning down!" "Hold on lady, just be calm and tell us how to get there." (long pause) "Don't you still have that little red truck?"
So, this guy shows up at a very exclusive party. The butler says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't admit you without a tie." So he goes back to his car and searches the whole car for a tie. Of course he doesn't have one, but in the trunk finds his jumper cables. So he thinks to himself, "Well, it's worth a try". So he tucks the cables down in his back pocket and brings part of them up and makes this cute little bow tie type of a thing, and goes back to the party. When the butler opened the door he said, "What do you think, can I come in?". The butler says, "Well, all right, you can come in, but DON'T START ANYTHING."
It seems that researchers have begun using lawyers for their experiments instead of rats. There are three good reasons for this. First, there are so many of them. Second, the researchers don't get nearly so attached to them. And third, the lawyers can be trained to do things that a rat just won't do.
Did you hear about the Zen master who said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
Gary North added the following thought:
The hot dog vendor hands him one with everything. The Zen master hands him a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor pockets it.
"What about my change?" asked the Zen master.
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes only from within."
Joe Lamay has written the one about the Zen master who told his dentist, "No novacaine for me, I transcend dental medication."
There is a family story about my grandfather, Tom Hughes who went to France in World War One. He had a date with a young French woman and since he didn't speak much French there were some awkward moments.
The next day he was trying to tell his buddies about it. They wanted to know when he was going to see her again and he said he wasn't sure. It was either "apres de la guerre," or "pres de la gare." (After the war or by the train station)
Last time I went to Germany, I stayed with my friend Hansjorg Malonek in Villingen. I went out for a walk in the morning and stopped at the corner to get my bearings.
I memorized the street signs so that I could find my way back. I remember I was at the corner of Einbahnstrasse and Umleitung, which turned out to be the corner of "one way" and "on ramp."
A fish and game warden caught a man shooting at loons. He arrested him on the spot and took him right to town and brought him up before the judge. The judge said, "This is terrible, these birds are endangered, I've got a good mind to throw the book at you." "You're right, your honor, I have no excuse, it's just that they taste so good I couldn't help myself."
"That certainly is no excuse, I would think you'd have better sense than to break the law and risk jail just because loons taste good." "That's true, your honor but they really are delicious."
"Well, not that I would ever want to eat one, but just out of curiosity what does a loon taste like?" "Well, your honor, half way between a blue heron and a bald eagle!"
What did Dan Quayle think about Rowe versus Wade? He thought they were two possible ways to get across the Potomac.
Art Thieme works during the summer as a tour guide/musician on a Mississippi paddle wheeler. He points out areas of interest along the river, and on the trip we took with him, he remarked on the fact that there are 30 or so locks along the river, and that certain birds like to collect the moss that grows by these locks to make their nests. He says, "We call them the "lock moss nesters.""
Did you hear about the gang of terrorists that hijacked a busload of banjo players and threatened to release one an hour until their demands were met?
What do you get when you throw a piano down an open mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Did you hear about the dyslexic highway patrolman who was out on the road looking for IUDs?
What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtle's back?
A team of psychologists decided to conduct a study to see if pets really did imitate the personalities of their masters. They created an experiment where they tested the dogs that belonged to a famous architect, an eminent biologist, and a well known rock star.
The first dog was placed in a room with one hundred dog bones. To their surprise she arranged the bones to make a perfectly constructed suspension bridge. The doctors knew they were on to something and were anxious to see what the scientists dog would do. She amazed them even further by placing the bones in the shape of the double helix of the DNA molecule.
The doctors were beside themselves with excitement but before publishing their results they decided to see what the musician's dog would do. To their dismay, he showed up late, ate all the bones, made a pass at the other two dogs and went home early.
Our friend Paul Lewis was in Norway one spring and asked of one of the local's, "Does it rain every day?". The Norwegian replied, "I don't know, I'm only 35."
Right after World War II there was a shortage of hotel rooms in New York. After checking out, a man realized that he had left his umbrella in his room and went right back up to get it. As he reached the door he heard voices coming from inside. He peered through the keyhole and realized that the room had already been rented to someone.
It turned out to be a young couple on their honeymoon. The woman was sitting on the man's lap and he was saying. "...and whose pretty little eyes are those?", "Yours, all yours," she would say. "...and whose pretty little nose is that", "Yours, all yours", and so on. After a little while, the man just couldn't stand it any more and he shouted out, "When you get to the umbrella, it mine, all mine!"
What was the result of the collision between the mafia limousine and the cement truck?
Once in a noisy Nashville nightspot a man came up to our friend Charles John Quarto after he had just finished performing. The man wanted his autograph so Charles suggested they go out to the front of the club where it wasn't so loud and the light was better. "Now", he said as he was poised to write, "What's your name?", No, the guy said, "I want YOUR autograph."
There were two nuns on their way to town when they ran out of gas on a lonely road. One nun volunteered to walk to the nearest gas station but they had no gas can. In the trunk, however they found an old chamber pot and, as it turned out this was adequate to carry a gallon of gas.
The one nun had carefully made the two mile trek from the gas station and had just begun pouring the gas into the tank when a Methodist minister drove by. He said, well, ladies, I don't agree with your religion, but I do admire your faith!
Two inexperienced hunters were driving into the forest and saw a sign that said "Bear Left."
So they went home.
A very wealthy man wanted to be buried with his money. He knew that his family wouldn't honor his wishes, so he asked his three best friends, a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer, to make sure that his wishes were carried out when he died. He gave them each a packet with $1,000,000, to be thrown into his coffin as they passed by. Sure enough the day came, and at the funeral, the 3 men each threw something into the coffin.
At the wake, the men found themselves huddled together. The doctor said, "I've just got to get something off my chest. I only threw $750,000 into the coffin -- we needed some money for the new wing of the children's hospital, and I couldn't see the point in not making good use of the money..."
The priest said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that. I myself only put in $500,000. The rest went to the orphanage that so badly needed a new building..." The lawyer looked at the other two in disgust. "Why, I'm ashamed of both of you! I put in my personal check for one million dollars!"
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
So this farmer was seen holding a pig up to an apple tree, and letting the pig eat apples right off the branch. A passerby looked at this and just couldn't contain his curiosity. "You know, you could save a lot of time if you just put the pig down and let him eat off the ground!" The farmer turned around slowly and responded, "What's time to a pig?"
A man noticed a farmer walking with three-legged pig on a leash. It looked very odd. He said, "Farmer, why are you walking a three-legged pig?"
"Why, stranger, this is no ordinary pig," the farmer replied. "One night our barn caught on fire, and before my wife and I even woke up, the pig had called the fire department, and herded all the other animals out of the barn. The next week, a burglar got into the house, and the pig had him tied up and the police were on their way before I even realized what had happened. Then just last week, I fell into the duck pond and was like to drown, except this pig jumped in and pulled me out. Like I say, this is no ordinary pig."
"Well, that truly is a remarkable pig. But tell me, how did he come to have only three legs?" "Are you kidding? A pig this good, you don't eat all at once."
The 80-year-old man complained to his doctor that his sex life seemed to be slowing down. The doctor said, "Well at your age you should probably expect some diminishing of your sex drive...when did you first notice this as a problem?" "Oh, last night and then again this morning."
When the newly shot-down pilot was thrown into the crowded barracks with the other prisoners of war he was surprised to find that all the rest of them had been there so long that they had started giving numbers to all the old jokes and just shouting out the number without telling the whole long story. One guy would shout out, "Number 31" and everyone would howl with laughter. "That's a good one, someone would say."
But when one fellow called out "26!" hardly anyone laughed. The new guy said, what gives, why didn't anybody laugh?. Well, said one old timer, some guys just can't tell a joke."
Serious flooding was threatening a few homes by the river bank. The officer drove up to tell the old parishioner that it was time to evacuate and he needed to gather his belongings before he was cut off by the rising water. He declined to leave saying that he had been there seventy years and his Lord hadn't let him down yet and he was sure He wouldn't let him down now.
When the waters reached the mid level of the first floor rescuers in a boat came by to pick up the old man. "No, I'm not leaving", he yelled from the second floor. "I know my Lord won't let me drown."
When he had retreated to the roof and it was almost dark a helicopter came over and dropped a rope. He waved them away and shouted after them that his faith would see him through. Unfortunately, he was drowned.
When he got up to heaven he complained to his maker that He had let him down. "What do you mean", said the heavenly Father, "I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter!"
I was interested to read in Mark Twain's autobiography that he had been to Vermont. He wrote that he performed his monologues for a Vermont audience and began with his very snappiest and funniest lines. He was horrified when no one laughed. He struggled through the first half of his performance and went outside for a cigar.
He heard a couple of the locals talking just around the corner so he leaned closer to hear what they were saying. "How 'bout this Mark Twain fellah, he's pretty funny, huh?" "Funny," said the other, "it was all I could do to keep from laughing.
What is the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Throwing a banjo into the toilet without hitting the rim.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer is, "That's not funny."
The bassoon is an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
Then there's the one is about the guy who bought a Maseratti and decided to be safe he would have it blessed by the priest. He went into the confessional booth to ask the priest for a blessing and the priest said, "What's a Maseratti?" So he went to the temple to ask the rabbi for the blessing and same thing, the rabbi said, "What's a Maseratti?"
He was driving home and happened to drive by the Unitarian church. Just as he pulled over a woman came out and said, "What a beautiful Maseratti!" He asked her if the Unitarian church would give him a blessing for his car and she said, "What's a blessing?"
And this one from Delbert Kauffman
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"